A dose of loneliness
I have depended for a long time on others to make me feel loved. That feeling is fleeting, only love for yourself and God’s love are constant. Depending on anyone else to make you feel whole, loved or happy will lead you to disappointment and a realization that you have been neglecting yourself. Let’s be honest, that is not much different than an addiction to a substance. It’s a constant need to have a feeling.
This hit me like a ton of bricks last night.
I can’t depend on my husband to lift me up. To nurture my insecurities or to tell me the things I want to hear. This conclusion came after an hour of mentally divorcing him and blaming him for all my problems.
Does anyone else mentally torture themselves like this? Literally from nothing I came up with so many theories, how I was going to teach him a lesson and change him to be more how I wanted him to be, all while imagining and FEELING the heartache. This man doesn’t know how many hugs he has gotten from mentally breaking up and getting back together with me.
I just laid there thinking, “If he would do______, I would feel better.” The longer I laid there, and he didn’t do _______, the angrier I got. He was there next to me, having no idea what mental dialogue was happening 2 feet from him. He happily watched his TV show (for once) in silence. While I turned the other way stressing myself to death. I should’ve been thinking, “If I did ______, I would feel better.”
Instead I went to bed sad, I woke up in the middle of the night sad, and this morning sad. Sad, because I feel alone. But alone is what I need. What is said alone, thought alone and done alone doesn’t need an apology. Alone with God is a good time to open up and explore what’s really going on. A conversation with myself or prayer sounds a lot different than a conversation with another person, especially one your upset with. There is more vulnerability, honesty and openness.
If you don’t know where to start:
– First find gratitude. For big things, little things and all in between. Sometimes a little gratitude changes your mindset and puts your problems into perspective.
– Just say, out loud how you feel, what’s bothering you. Get it out!
– What does your gut tell you? If nothing in the situation changed, how can you fix this issue or make it better for yourself?
– Hand that problem off, its not your problem anymore. Someone bigger than you are working on it, trust and believe that with all your heart.
– Be grateful that problem isn’t yours anymore.
– Get your positive vibes up, think of happy thoughts.
– Do something that will make you long term happy. (Nap, gym, eat something, get something done that has been taking up real estate in the back of your mind.)
Enjoy your time alone with yourself.
* If you haven’t heard, most religions liken your intuition to the Holy Ghost/Spirit. Whatever you believe trust that. If you’re mentally taking care of yourself, then your sound mind can trust that intuition. *